Perhaps the greatest victory of 2017, and my greatest hope of 2018, lies in presevering trust. I’ll bring that down to earth shortly, but as Dr. John Piper says, “Keep trusting the One who keeps you trusting.” Closing the books on one more year walking with Jesus is no small potatoes. He kept my soul again. All glory to Him for holding me fast. And a fresh January, landscape ahead marking unknown peaks and valleys and so much more of flat normalcy, Lord-willing will usher in another chapter of trusting Him. But mostly Him keeping me trusting.
What did He keep me through exactly? He gave new life to our family: a soaring day of joy when our baby boy burst into the world on April Fools’ Day. He gives passionate gummy kisses and delights his squealing big sisters with his dimple-cheeked grins. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. He is scrumptious and I’m so curious who this little person is growing into.
The paradox that’s begging for redemption is that while I adore my babies, there is an ominous darkness that crouches at the door of my heart: postpartum anxiety.
I still hate even naming it.
In name it just sounds like a sniffling obnoxious little twerp that just needs to be swatted away, the emotional equivalent of a snot-nosed cold for an outside onlooker. It runs so much deeper than that. While this baby-phase has been marked by more sunshine soul-days, there are still those moments that threaten a thunderous storm. God has held me fast.
“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you,” Psalm 139:11-12.
What feels like bleak despair is entirely laid bare before His all-seeing eyes. He is with me and He sees the story of my heart to the end. It is not obscure to Him. He has kept me trusting.
And how about moving forward? Quite literally moving forward. 2018 will mark another address change for us, seventh or so in our ten years of marriage. Our darling rental has been God’s generous provision for the past two and a half years, but He’s turning His proverbial pillar of fire and its time pack up our tents and move on. Dialogue with money-wise friends has recently turned to escrow and interest rates and earnest money and it all makes my head spin.
He has never once left us without roof over our heads, yet fear settles in like an unwelcome but sadly familiar friend every time we pack up our boxes. We’ve only recently started to recover from the hemorrhage of resources lost from moving back from overseas. Massive financial decisions feel paralyzing because of the balance of human stewardship and God’s sovereign provision. My dear brother Charles Spurgeon exhorted my heart’s posture about this a few days ago, and I’m carrying his words close.
“You are meddling with Christ’s business, and neglecting your own when you fret about your lot and circumstances. You have been trying ‘providing’ work and forgetting that yours is to obey. Be wise and attend to the obeying, and let Christ manage the providing,” from December 19 Morning and Evening.
If I see myself this time next year, oh how I hope I’ve trusted. His story of how He provides is as good as written, my own story of trust is now for the writing. Have you ever once felt that the fretting was worth it? Me neither, friend. So I hope I’ll walk forward in belief in my Jehovah Jireh, God who Provides. He will keep me trusting, so I’ll keep trusting Him.
Whatever your 2017 held, whatever stands facing you in 2018, my friends would you with me? Keep trusting the One who keeps you trusting!
“He will hold me fast,
He will hold me fast,
For my Savior loves me so,
He will hold me fast.”
-Keith and Kristyn Getty